The Fault in Our Stars - John Green

Augustus half smiled. "Because you're beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence.”

 

I just decided that anyone who ever recommends a book to me, especially with the precept that they identify SO MUCH with the main character - "I was so much like Hazel as a teenager!" - are not sane individuals and I need to nod and smile and back the fuck away from them.

 

Really?  Is this REALLY better than Twilight?  It only looks better because it's pandering to a lonesomer breed of female - the teenage girl who thinks she's intellectual and likely saw so so so much of herself in the title character of Juno.  It's still pandering, ladies and germs - this is saccharine sweet shaped in a different shape than you're used to, but lick it! - it's still high-fucking-fructose corn syrup.

 

I stopped right the fuck in place when I read that quote at the top of this.  Do you know how many copies if this I have rung out where I work?  I feel like... Oh god... I feel like...

 

 

WTF

 

Seriously, someone explain this to me this instant.  I pointed out this quote to someone at work and she got defensive and got this look on her moony goddamned eyes like I had just slyly insulted her intelligence.  No, girl, I am serious as shit - NO teenager TALKS LIKE THIS, and by the way, whenever I think of someone named Augustus, his last name is Gloop.

 

Gloop, motherfuckers, GLOOP!

 

Understand me - I heard about this book, and having turned over a new leaf recently, where I promised to not be judgmental/mean towards other people's tastes, I decided to GIVE IT A CHANCE.  Monster Man told me not to judge the author before I'd read him, and I heard not one, but two grown women at my work loll on about this book - "Oh, The Fault in Our Stars is WONDERFUL - it's Looking for Alaska that sucks."

 

What the shit, you women work in a fucking bookstore!  You have no right to trick a co-worker into reading what feels like Non-Erotic FriendFiction that READS JUST SLIGHTLY BETTER like it was written by a 16-year old girl emerging out of her Emo/Evanescence phase but was actually written by a grown man- WTF people!

 

You know, I don't give a shit how many of you want to read this, have read this and love this - I am just pissed that someone misunderstood me so elementally to push this towards me.   If I feel anything towards you people, it's a little sad.   And disappointed.

 

I now have to be wary about the books that people recommend me - I'm certainly not listening to shitola that those two women recommend me ever again.  Mind you, one of them happens to be the one who told me, with a straight face, that as a mother, she believes that I Want My Hat Back teaches children to steal. 

 

I know that stating my opinion on this book will likely only earn me ire, but please, please, please understand that as a fan of things like The Sims 3, Bad Grandpa and, jeez, I can't believe I'm admitting this, but ALL of the Investigative Crime shows, I don't want to be seen as a person who believes herself to be standing firmly outside of that glass house known as what qualifies as Bad Taste.   I like my bizarre, probably in bad taste stuff, you like yours, but I can't help but feel as though this book, this author, are both things that should be viewed as the guilty pleasures that they are.

 

I mean, are snappy, one-liner disposing, as-smart-as-a-college-student-in-his/her-20's teenagers who roll their eyes at impending death the BEST that YA has to offer kids today?  This feels flimsy, disingenuous, cheap.  How did this guy get past quality control? 

 

AUGUSTUS MOTHER-FUCKING GLOOP

 

 

And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go be mature adult and review my totes-awesome copy of Animorphs #1: The Invasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't worry, there's ALWAYS more morphin'.  Always.